Today, I move on. :)

I already said it before, about two days ago, last November 19. My sis' sharing has shone me some light. Thank God for that. And now I'm just enlightened--on how to actually do so.

I have come to realize that it all starts with the decision to act on what you want. As I've told my friend, "I don't really need anyone or anything to take my mind off him. All I had to do to start getting my life back is to simply decide that I will move on." I definitely do not need or even want a rebound, and keeping me busy won't make me as much happy as well. I have to be happy... on my own.

Good thing my sis and I drank last Tuesday. We were throwing our stories with one another. She was so broken-hearted, not to mention it was her birthday then. Tsk. Stories of sadness, already answered questions that we keep asking, tears that won't stop flowing. And that one testimonial of another sis for this broken-hearted sis knocked some sense into me.

She was relenting her version of moving on. Yes, we noticed the sadness in her face, and the struggle she's been through. And now we look at her, we'd definitely agree that she has been better. She has succeeded. And she simply started with a decision--making a CHOICE. A difficult choice that takes pretty much a long process--and time and energy--but has a lasting, maturing consequence.

And eventually, I had to admit it. I couldn't move on. I wasn't moving on. All because I haven't really made the decision. I wanted to, but I have never really decided to.

All the while, I was stuck. Upon hearing the testimonial, I wanted to act, and decide already. But of course, I had to think, as always. I asked, "What kept me holding on, anyway?" And I've come to terms with the truth: I wanted to know what he had in mind. Before I really give up, I had to know if I'm wasting my chance or my assumptions have been right all along. I wanted to see if it was just me or it was really mutual. I wanted it to come from his own mouth, not from his actions. I wanted to hear it instead of conclude it.

Thinking about it made me back out a bit. Maybe I should wait and tell him first before I actually do it. Then again, that's only prolonging the agony. It would be really stupid of me to be stuck this long--and actually to choose being so. So I realized that I really do have to move on already. Life goes on and it stops for no one--not ever. I always knew I'll move on eventually, someday. Thus, I have decided that someday is NOW.

About two days ago, my sis and I went to Ministop on a very early morning. As we chatted, I've remembered my old happiness and happen to share that realization with her: that I have been happy before he came in to my life. I was so contented with my life already without him! When he came, he just made it happier for me. Now I realize, such 'disillusionment' does not always last, maybe not even in a good way. I figured that the trend was that happy, happier, then sad. Once you get 'happier,' you don't step down to being happy again; you sink down to sadness, or maybe even worse.

Still, the good news is that, happiness is still there--and it always will. You've been happy before, why not be so again? I think that's what 'disillusionment' does: making us happier, forgetting how to be happy on our own. It already happened--can't it happen again?

So right now, I'm in the process of regaining that happiness of mine. As I've said, I do not want love for now; HAPPINESS is what I wish for. The goal now is to be happy. Happier will come later.

Moving on. Step one. Decision. Choice. Check! Now I'm on step two: planning. What do I do now? I'm now reliving my good ol' hopes and aspirations. Here comes the new me.

Already, I'm beginning to be happy. :)

PS: I was supposed to post FOR THE LAST TIME the things I remember about him, what he has taught me. Then again, I think I have reminisced pretty much long enough. Time to get rid of his memoirs. It's me and GOD time again! I'm loving this. ;)

1 are destined

yahn left tracks on November 22, 2009 at 01:45 AM

As Lovers Go
Dashboard Confessional 

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side."
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

Destiny?

yahn left tracks on November 16, 2009 at 11:55 AM

Emotions are so intense, they can cloud one's judgment.

Just the thought of you makes me like you. :)

I'm loving this life. Even just for now.

Destiny?

yahn left tracks on November 15, 2009 at 09:25 PM

All I want is happiness.

And it really pains me to admit this.

Because all it means is that I haven't been exactly happy all along.

And if I don't make it known that I'm LYING all along...

I wonder what will happen now.

Can someone please help me make myself happy?

Emo sh*t.

You'd think things are falling apart now.

They're not.

They're just breaking into pieces.

Just why am I sad?

For this long already?

Destiny?

yahn left tracks on November 15, 2009 at 06:20 PM